Author Archives: tamischwerin

About tamischwerin

I run a non-profit (Abundance NC) that builds community resilience including health of the earth, our bodies and our spirits. I also am active in creating an Eco-Industrial Park community in Pittsboro NC.

Sabbatical: In Conclusion, The End and Universal Truth Learned

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I’m at the end of this great adventure and I want to thank all of you for listening, for reading, for feeding and housing me, for sending encouragement during a few dark moments, for poems, books, songs and texts, emails and good advice. Huge thanks to my family and colleagues for holding down the fort and for allowing me to go. This blog gave me focus and allowed me to take you all along for the ride…sometimes bumpy.

During my 42 days away and almost 8000 miles, I had a different set of responsibilities. They were about the basics, food, shelter, warmth, soul searching and auto-mechanics. It felt like I was 20 years old again, but with more knowledge and experience.
©2013 Breathless Boudoir | Jen & Max Trombly angel traintracksdessert

I’m home and realized that I’ve changed at a profound level. I think it’s greater confidence, calm and grace. We put on a community event Saturday and typically I’m running around hyperventilating and worried about things going wrong. I knew (because of Jenny, Briar Chapel and the great community help) that this was going to be the best 5K race we’ve ever organized. I didn’t look for the problems, just trusted that everyone was having fun, and it was a fabulous day.

The next day was a ½ marathon that Jenny and I have been training for. I literally had no anxiety…it was my first one and worse case, I stop and walk. Not the end of the world.
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Training for a ½ marathon while on the trip really helped me metaphorically:

*Taking the first step is the hardest…once you start, you just put one foot in front of the other until you get to the finish line.

*Rest is just as important as work….I forget that often.

*Gave great focus

*Accountability…After a long run, I would reward myself by texting Lyle and Jenny…that motivated me to keep going. It helps to share the joys and concerns in one’s life.

*Taking things day by day, mile by mile and sometimes minute by minute.
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Some random universal wisdom:

  • Girls just want to have fun
  • Water is life…I take for granted in lush NC
  • There is a solution to everything, seriously…everything.
  • Your life reflects your beliefs
  • Impermanence is devastating and is also magical; crisis is opportunity
  • Being judgie is not good for anyone…more compassion, please
  • I think religion and spirituality are about clarity, intention and removal of doubt
  • We each create our own reality
  • There is ENOUGH
  • Miracles are just a change in perception
  • Gratitude keeps worry at bay
  • Alone time helps sort things out
  • Being in the moment provides great joy
  • Take a deep breath
  • It’s going to be OK, in fact, it’s going to be phenomenal!
    iloveyou oklahoma
    I want:

    More quality, less quantity. Instead of a bunch of good experiences or projects, I want EPIC experiences, SWEET relationships, AMAZING projects that rock our world and make change.

    I want to go deep and know what’s going on in people’s hearts, not their heads.

    I want people to reach their full potential. I think many people have only scratched the surface of what they are capable of…think how great this community would be if people let go of their inhibitions and fear and just went for it!

    To help create more meaningful jobs. We have so many talented people doing such good work around here. I want them to be paid handsomely for creating our resilient community. I want Abundance, the Plant Eco-Industrial Park, the Distillery to enjoy resources and wealth along with this entire community of businesses, farms, organizations and for the small local folks to be rewarded for their courage and creativity.

    I hope I can inspire others to take that extra step to do what you want, to think about doing something that might seem scary…guess what, it won’t be after you get started.
    things just work out…magically in the best interest of you and at exactly the right time.

    It’s time to get back to work now and I can’t wait!

    Until the next adventure…

    starlight lylebabyblue dayofdead

     

Travelin’ with Two

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Santa Fe, Taos, Earthship Community, Ojo Caliente, NM and Amarillo, TX…wonderful and a blur of two exhausted happy people reunited. Ha!earthship riograndegorge taos2 taos

We drove the blue highways from Gore Oklahoma to Hot Springs Arkansas. I had heard from someone that it was a place of interest. And Bill Clinton grew up there. Must be cool? Leaving the bleak Texas and Oklahoma flatness and dustiness, we came into the lush terrain that seemed more like home. Mountains and trees and green. Over the Ouachita Mountains to the Zig Zag Mountain of Hot Springs was beautiful. Coming into town through the typical strip malls and Walmart and McDonalds I wasn’t sure this was a good decision…another tacky, depleted small town. We stopped at a little visitor center that pointed us to Gulpha Gorge first come, first serve camping ground (no showers….not that I care). Lyle and I set up camp by a running creek and cliff. The prettiest camp ground yet. The ranger showed us the trail to town. You could hike 2 miles over the mountain to the town. I heard there was a micro-brewery in an old bathhouse, so that was motivating.

Lyle’s email to family:

I don’t hike anymore.  I thought about this last night as I struck out on stepping-stones in Hot Springs Arkansas, heading over a mountain in my backless Birkenstocks.  Tami and I had our campsite set beside a wonderful brook, and decided to take Dead Chief Trail to town.

It was only two miles.  Tami’s been training for a half marathon and is in the best shape she’s been in for awhile.  I’ve been obsessed with “getting my steps” ever since Jim gave me a fitbit wristband that would count them for me—and let me compete with him—so I’m in decent shape these days too.

It took us an hour to get to town.  We arrived winded and stunned.  In Hot Springs there was a plaque at the trailhead that explained in the early 1900s people traveled from all over to indulge in the curative power of the volcanic water.  This was a medical town. 

Further, there was one doctor who prescribed aerobic activity to his Hot Springs patients.  He was so convinced of the power of fitness that he designed and built a series of trails, each one harder than the next.  As his patients’ health improved, he would ratchet up the hiking regimen.  The pinnacle of his trail achievements was Dead Chief Trail.

During our hike, in between gasps, I explained to Tami that Dad would frequently spy a short cut down the side of the mountain that would occasionally get us hopelessly lost.  At one point we encountered “Short Cut Trail” that was roped off by the park service, and appeared under construction.

We had a wonderful evening in Hot Springs, and hiked home in the dark—moving me into closer contention with Jim.  This morning, we are driving to town, for a soak in the curative springs…

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When we came over the mountain, we were on Central Avenue that had a gorgeous magnolia lined promenade with all the historical bathhouses built in the early 1900’s to take advantage of the hot springs. There were all sorts of contraptions used to heal everything from obesity to syphilis to just sore muscles and hysteria. (I think that is what women are said to get from time to time). This place was a stop for all the famous gangsters and also the baseball players to soak out their wild nights. The sadness is that only two bathhouses remain in use. In the 1950’s when western medicine said hydrotherapy doesn’t help, just take a pill, the Golden Age of Bathing began to decline. I personally think they should bring back Hot Springs as a healing center or maybe we should figure this out for Pittsboro. Hydrotherapy certainly helps most things and has no side effects.
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Regarding camping, let’s just say, it’s been very cold and I have to tell Lyle which way I’m sleeping. It’s a big decision and takes planning to turn over. I’m trying hard to “glamp”. I can do it, but it’s exhausting…. although…after cooking something in the van, the food tastes amazing. Starvation helps.

amarillo glamping

Onward to Dewitt Arkansas for an all day consulting gig for Lyle. (The rice and duck capital of the World) Her name is Tami and he sometimes gets her mixed up when texting which can be disasterous. Lyle explained we were coming through in Baby Blue and she said you can stay at our hunting lodge. The last time I had been in a hunting lodge was when we bought 450 acres next door to stop the constant gunshots and preserve some land in Chatham with a covenant protected development, Abeyance. There was an old homestead that was falling into the ground with broken windows, empty beanie-weanie cans and a stack of hunting magazines interspersed with Playboys. That is fine…I bet there is an old rusty shower and maybe indoor toilet? We can just park the van and sleep in it.

Nope, this was a drop dead gorgeous, high thread count lodge and eco-tourism place that had about 8 bedrooms, pool table, wrap around porch overlooking bald cypress swamp with ducks and alligators. The fridge was stocked, a beautiful bottle of red wine out and I couldn’t have been more in heaven washing laundry and sitting by the outdoor fire watching the birds and ducks. Didn’t mind all the stuffed ducks and deer and camo everywhere…

The interesting part about the rice capital of the world is the mono-cropping. There were constant crop dusters dropping various chemicals. Because of so much standing water, they also fly over with mosquito killer and they have no frogs or other eco-systems. The mosquito repellent doesn’t work, but just imagine all the different chemicals we are consuming in our rice…and we wonder about cancer. This part of Arkansas has no small farming. They ship all their food in from California or further. Lyle’s progressive clients are worried about the resiliency of their community if something happens to fossil fuels either in cost or supply. Their work is cut out for them.

I’m finding it fascinating looking at all the businesses that are wiped out by “progess” (maybe because my family hardware store was wiped out by big box), but the other Arkansas resource is mussels and they used to harvest the mussel shells for mother of pearl buttons and had big button factories. Until plastic came along. Now they are closed.

Onward to Tennessee. I will kiss the ground, when I see NC!

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Strangers and Just Strange

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Relying on the kindness of strangers this past week has been lovely. A drink in a ghost town with Emily’s uncle and aunt, Josie’s mother gave me a place to lay my head in Albuquerque and took me out for dinner! Such generosity. A team of mechanics in College Station that actually knew german engineering and fixed up Baby Blue for the 2000+ miles left. I’m usually the host, so it’s interesting being on the other side.
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OK, can we just talk about Marfa for a minute….their website says “tough to get to, tougher to explain, but once you get here, you get it”. Well, I spent two days trying to get it and failed. It was like a pristine ghost town where there were few people, cars or life. As a tourist, finding a lunch spot or a coffee took major effort. See the sign for the coffee shop. Subtle…so subtle it took me over 24 hours to find it and I was desperate for a coffee! Buildings that looked like they were boarded up in fact had great lunches inside if you knew about them. The first night I was directed to go to the only light in town and then the third house on the left for dinner. Otherwise, I would not have known that it was a very high end eating establishment. At the bar, I sat next to a silicon valley ivy leaguer twenty something who had just gotten back from a small town in texas where they handed him an assault rifle and he literally blew up a wild boar. They evidently are overwhelmed with wild boar in texas and instead of eating them, they just blow them up. He was scarred by the experience as you might understand. In this small town, the dentist was also the barber…he would just run across the street and cut hair…go back and forth.
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I kept trying to figure out Marfa for two days…went to Prada Marfa, an art installation. So, Marfa is a combination of locals that still like to get in bar fights and very wealthy artists and writers in residence. It’s so hip that Ralph Lauren embedded someone into the town to try and figure it out. There are no chains except Exxon. The signage on the buildings might say “Future Shark” and you would know that was a café or Wrong is an expensive gift store…The words on the buildings all look very minimalist and similar fonts. I ran back into my ivy league friend in Fort Davis a couple of days later and we spent some time discussing the weirdness and gossip of Marfa. He was so excited to get on their list serve and he wants to become Mayor of Marfa. That night we picked up another traveler from London and headed to the McDonald Observatory. We drove up a mountain to what looks like a James Bond movie with huge telescopes and gather in an outdoor amphitheater and see one of the best constellation tours + Jupiter and 4 moons and because of the darkness of the area, there were a bazillion stars between all the stars we see at home…a great night that made us all feel very small on this earth after checking out the milky way and discussing galaxies. Great comic relief with Jeff & Duncan.
duncantamijeff wild boar

Next came Big Bend. It’s one of the biggest national parks, darkest and least visited. As I drove in, I had to slam on brakes as a huge, fat, very speedy ram ran across the road. He was so fast I couldn’t capture his photo, but found a drawing. There were also roadrunners everywhere running across the roads. I hiked into the Santa Elena Canyon and that was the place that I felt like I had accomplished my sabbatical. It was spiritual and beautiful. I found myself there. Thank goodness.
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On to the Telingua Ghost town which is rumoured to host fugitives and other colorful folks. I spent some time in graveyards in the desert. They just pulled me in. The one in Telingua was very D.I.Y and beautiful. Back in Marfa, there were two parts to the graveyard…one was full of flowers, sparkles, flags and all the names were of Hispanic origin. I saw another fenced off section that had no color, no flowers, no nothing. It even had barbed wire around it. As I got closer, I noticed those names were different…Knight and Mitchells. Wow, segregation even in death. I loved the colorful side.
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I’ve really loved the long drives. Giles Blunden described driving and thinking to me recently. He said we only need a small percentage of our brain to drive and we have all that other percentage to really think things through. Plus I can sing loudly without freaking out my family! Ha! Driving across America you feel like you are really seeing how things work from the oil derricks to the windmills to all the trains carrying all the coal and containers. I’ve also seen so many towns that have been boarded up.   More than towns that are inhabited. Oddly, they all seem to have working post offices in them still.

They say it takes about 2 weeks to let things go from your day to day life and I didn’t believe it, but I’d say that is exactly right. Being alone allows you to find your own frequency, not constantly running at other frequencies. It’s been an amazing and epic journey.

Well, Lyle flies into Albuquerque in a couple of hours and we have some catching up to do….

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Texas Energy

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They were not kidding when they said Texas was big.  Whoa.  I’ve traveled about 1110 miles through Texas and I have about 1000 more to go.  The landscape has gone from bayou to prairie to canyon and I’m definitely in the desert now.  The appropriate music coming into Texas was Pink Martini!

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My first stop was College Station, home of Texas A&M (agriculture and mechanics).  The school IS the town and my niece who is very accomplished in her field (PhD in Shakespeare) chose what might seem an oxymoron.  After visiting the huge and abundant campus, I see why she and Dan moved to College Station.  The school is funded by oil money and the English department is in a brand new state of the art building.  Laura gets whatever she wants as do her students and the Aggies have some of the most prestigious Shakespeare collections in the world.  Laura is remarkable, abundant and one of the most optimistic and joyful human beings I’ve ever met.  Professor Estill hasn’t changed much since I met her 22 years ago except she’s gained more wisdom and experience.  Their house has become home base for me as I left Baby Blue with an import mechanic for an overhaul. laurashakespeare zaferlauradanmeat tamidanlaura

Zafer was having a bad case of senioritis and needed a few mental health days and I needed some homesick relief, so we brought him in for a few days.  We had a great time figuring out Texan culture, taking photos, and I realize my days are limited and empty nest is coming.  That will be a big transition for our family and I think harder than I’m allowing myself to think about.  Literally feels like he was just born.  Except he is his own unique being.  I’m in awe of the young man he has become and honoured that he joined me.
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A few things I learned in College Station:
Armadillo’s carry leprosy and can transmit to humans, so don’t cuddle the roadkill.

Texas A&M students (entire student body) stand to show their support during football games because they might be needed as the “12th man” if someone is injured on the team, to fill in.

Zafer and I also noticed the contrast between the oil rigs everywhere and the wind turbines.  Texas is in a boom period because of fracking and if you have a CDL (commercial driver’s license) you can be paid $100,000 to drive away the waste water or deliver the fracking fluid.)  (never mind the health and environmental issues).  Texas is also the biggest producer of wind in the US.  (Uncle Glen knows all this).  So, wind is also booming thanks to a renewable portfolio standard expanded by the state legislature.
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Another detour and surprise for this trip was visiting Kurt.  Kurt was my sweet highschool boyfriend and hearing his familiar deep voice call and say “Tamela!” brought me back to carefree days when I was 16 and the big decision was location of party and who was driving. (we won’t talk about the Raleigh CAT bus that Kurt wrecked while he was not even in his car…)  Zafer and I took off to Padre Island, Corpus Christi the largest barrier island in the world and on the gulf.   Kurt settled down there and has the ‘brady bunch’ going on with his lovely wife, Lisa.  They’ve merged 6 children together and happily I might add.  She was spectacular, obviously an ambitious nurse that runs clinics and is working on weight loss for the community.  Which is great since Corpus Christi is the #1 heaviest city in the nation.  They also have the #1 worst hair (wind and humidity), but they are birthplace of Farrah Fawcett.  Kurt and Lisa were perfect hosts and took Zafer and me to see an Ansel Adams exhibit.  I loved seeing them and their kids.
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Dropped Zafer at the airport and took off for Marfa and Big Bend.  Marfa is an artist colony and Big Bend is one of the largest, most remote and least visited national parks in the US.  Big Bend was named as an “International Dark Sky Park” (one of 10 on earth) for stargazing.

It took all day to get from the gulf to Marfa.  I drove parallel to the Rio Grande and encountered Border Patrol for the first time.  I didn’t look like a human smuggler, so they were quick with me.  Thank you to the Crute Family for being my texas travel team.  Muzzy, Nancy, Phifer, and Johnny and also Chris Jude who came here on his honeymoon.
picosriverThe drive was more and more remote and SPECTACULAR. TAKE. YOUR. BREATH. AWAY.  It felt like another planet.  There was nothing but huge expansive sky, me, and beautiful prairie, desert, canyons with bright green rivers and an occasional train.  No gas stations, no nothing for hundreds of miles.   The American Hustle soundtrack had the perfect dramatic tone to go with the vistas.  It was so different to be alone and in the moment for that long.

Each part of the trip is different, has a different energy, different vibe and this part lends itself to spirit and art.

I’m at peace, confident and happy here, talking to strangers and “being”.

This is what I came for.

Tonight I’m under a full moon in the very dark sky of the desert.  Tomorrow night I go to a “Star Party” at the McDonald Observatory.

And I get to hold hands with Lyle in one week!

New Orleans and The Last Breakdown

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©2013 Breathless Boudoir | Jen & Max Trombly

I explored many subjects in this mysterious city; contrast (difference between light and dark), magic, definition of beauty, examination of sensuality, and loneliness.  My palm reader from the French Quarter said I had two lifelines, so I think I’m starting my second life now.
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I love contrast and New Orleans is a perfect example of this.  A place of culture, great food, music, tradition, celebration, color, and joy.  There is also amazing pain, pollution, poverty, addiction, sadness, inequality, and devastation.  I could stay here a month…it’s so fascinating.  I ran through the impoverished neighborhoods day one to see the other side and to escape the tourists.  It’s so evident that we are not right as a society just by seeing the two sides of rich and poor.  A problem since the beginning of time.  Let’s envision a smaller delta between the haves and the have nots.  I’m reading The More Beautiful World our Hearts Know is Possible by Charles Eisenstein and he is getting to this topic about changing our society and he’s coming to town!  Info here.
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Back up a minute!   I drove out of Lefleurs Bluff State Park in Jackson MS, hit a bump and Baby Blue didn’t like it. Another axle problem, damn.  Walked up to the gas station and asked if anyone knew a mechanic and three folks looked at each other and scratched their heads and said, “nope, everyone is at work”.  OK, so if everyone is at work then they are not a mechanic in their shop.  Hello?  I was so frustrated, I rolled my eyes and one guy started looking for a tow truck and got me a number to call.  Where am I?  I’m in the deep south and maybe folks are not critical thinkers.  A tow truck operator came.  I’m getting used to them by now and I went with him to his shop carrying Baby Blue.  They were super nice and I left the van with them.  I had to get to New Orleans, so I rented a cute tiny fiat.  Wow, how different it is to drive a little gas efficient tiny car that can go 80mph!  And I could take a phone call and actually hear what they were saying!
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I got to New Orleans and thankfully Jay Pierce is my secret agent on what to do and he sends me a list of places to go.  One is his old mentor that has a restaurant called Lucky Rooster.  I asked for the Chef and mentioned Jay.  I had the red carpet rolled out…very fun and great food and drink.
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I call the mechanics back the next day in Jackson Mississippi and the dude cannot find the part and it’s been two days.  What?  I googled with my phone and find the part in 1 minute.  He says, I don’t have an account with them, so can’t order it.  OMG.  Really?  I order it myself and dropship it to the ridiculous mechanic in Jackson.  I am beside myself with the incompetency.  Over dinner with Jen and Max (more on them later), they discuss a poverty economy with me.  In low-income communities, people trade services amongst themselves.  (of course!)  They would never pay money for something like auto repair or even health, the neighbors all take care of themselves.  The nurse will look after the sick in her off hours.  My question of ‘where is a mechanic’ does not work unless I live in the neighborhood.

My lessons are about homesickness and loneliness this week.   I’ve not been alone or lonely for as long as I can remember…constantly busy or surrounded by tons of people.  I have so many friends/family that are lonely and in need of connection.  I’ve never understood it and when they mention it, I just blaze past them saying, I’m busy….gotta go.  I have compassion for them today.  A revelation.  Some cute advice from folks is, go to the puppy shelter, volunteer at a homeless shelter, go to a diner and talk to the waiters.  Of course, I have lots of connection with friends and family, but this is really eye opening for me and I’m being a baby.

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Our society and the media has done a number on women and also men about beauty.   I had a photo shoot with Jen and Max of breathless boudoir.  I wanted to document this time in my life because it is pretty spectacular.  Their mission is to empower women through sensual portraiture.  We did shots in the French quarter and also at the hotel.  They are an amazing couple and I felt a kinship with them.  They are a liberal couple that feels a little trapped in the conservative politics of Louisiana and they want to expand their business and also land where they think they can raise kids in a good school system.  Big order!  We had an unbelievable day and ended up at dinner going deep.  A highlight for me!

jen and max

I’m stuck in New Orleans.  Not a bad thing.  Because the budget is a bit fragile, I leave my hotel and search for my first Air BNB experience.  I clicked on the cheapest room I could find ($40) and it is with a Mardi Gras mask maker.  How fun is that?  Well, I go to unload bags and I’m clearly out of my element and comfort zone.  His house is in the 7th Ward and I’m different from all the others in the neighborhood.  The older black men give me sweet smiles and waves and the younger folks glare at me like “why are you here?”.  I’m pretty open to new situations so I decide to just go with it, this is part of my adventure.  My host answers the door in his underwear and he is extremely hungover and on his way to the clothing optional bathhouse.  He invites me to come, which was nice, but I decline.  I enter a dark, dirty leather shop and my room is the hallway that connects the rest of the house to the bathroom and kitchen.  There are sheets hung rather than doors.  I leave my stuff and have a great day in New Orleans and have dinner with two women that were wonderful that I randomly met.  I go “home” and try to go to bed.  It’s really gross and no one is there.  There was fear of the unknown…I was in no real danger, but being in this area really freaked me out.  Every bump made me jump and every dog barking made me sit up.  Two people came in about 4.30am and they were women’s voices, so that gave me comfort, then my host came in around 5am and I settled into a few hours sleep.  I packed up and left the next day.  I’m sure if I had the courage to join the people that were sitting out on their doorsteps we would have some things in common, but that might have to happen next trip.

7th Ward

Eyes wide open midway through this trip.  I’m grateful.

Backwards to Jackson and then over to College Station, TX to see Laura, our PhD in Shakespeare and her man, Dan.  Can’t wait!!  And Zafer is parachuting into Texas!  Beyond excited!

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I’m going to Jackson…

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Lyle hates when I say that because of the Johnny Cash song: “We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout”.

Jacksonville, Alabama was an eye-opening visit with my high school friend Paul.  He was the ringleader in our circle of friends and went on to become a history professor at Jacksonville State University.  He’s incredibly brilliant and I sat in on his US Survey 202 class full of freshmen.  I have not been in a college lecture in 25 years.  He was fabulous, entertaining and I hung on his every word.  Mostly because I’ve lived some of the concepts he’s talking about.  Money follows power, the need for regulating the “captains of industry” and the iron triangle or circle in which the system for business, politicians and corrupt contracts were the norm in the late 1800’s, early 1900’s.
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It strikes me as I drive through Alabama and Mississippi that we have not come that far.  The Walmarts have done such a good job of wiping out culture and small business and vibrancy in these poor towns.  The property taxes are almost nothing according to Paul and there is no funding to renovate the schools etc that are downtown.  They build cheaply out by Walmart and the strip malls taking more life and business with them.  As a traveler, all I want to do is go to a town without strip malls and Walmarts.  Hard to find in this area.  It makes me very nervous about the impending development in Chatham County and the threat of losing our eccentric personality of Pittsboro.

Paul has a 12 year old precocious daughter, Ginger.  I had never met her and I think she thought I was a little strange driving up to her house in a hippie van, reminiscing with her Dad about the time I took his teddy bear hostage and possibly tortured it, etc etc.  She took to her room, which most teens do about that age.  Ginger had a soccer game.  Paul and I watched for 2 hours in 34 degree weather…and after they lost, we took the very disillusioned Ginger to a brew-pub for dinner.  She was not happy.  But I heard a soft voice in the back seat say “I like your van”.  During dinner we tried to talk above the full on brass band, although a challenge.  Finally, Ginger, with big eyes said “I’m having an existential crisis”  I said happily “why do you think I’m driving across the country in a blue bus?!”  Finally, Ginger and I could relate to one another.
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Jackson, Mississippi was next…partly because they had a co-op grocery, yoga studio and Eudora Welty’s house was there.  I walked into the tour and they said “You are a Eudora Welty scholar?” I said no. They said “You are a big fan and have read lots of her writings?”  I said no.   It was a great tour.
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Never mind that it was rainy and 34 degrees and I’ve NEVER CAMPED in this situation.  In fact, this would be the 2nd night alone in Baby Blue and it was cold as hell.  I searched for a small space heater and all the big boxes were sold out.  Like a beacon, I drove to the co-op grocery and there was an old timey hardware store that had 3 heaters left.  I felt like the Universe was looking after.  I went to a drill sergeant yoga class….jeez, she was so bad, no spirit in that girl.  Then back to the dark campground to cook and stay warm for the night.  My spot, #11 had a broken electrical outlet, so no heat for me after all.  I heated soup which warmed the van about 2 degrees and got into Lyle’s mummy sleeping bag.  My girlfriend, Melissa was texting me photos of her 4 course dinner in San Francisco.  After about an hour of trying to keep my nose warm, I fell asleep and woke up to a cold sunshiny day.  Today I feel empowered that I survived a potential hypothermia or asphyxiation death.

New Orleans, here I come!

P.S. I’m still terribly homesick for Lyle, Zafer, Arlo and PBO.

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Apalachicola and There are No Rules

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One minute you are biking through protected barrier islands and the next, you are having a beer with a hit man.  That’s what I’m talking about….

This little gulf of mexico beach town is beautiful.  I stayed here three nights and cheated.  I got a room at the Gibson Inn.  It was cold at night and the place was so quaint.  Thank you Doug and Daphne for the good advice.

The first night I went to Hole in the Wall and waited for the oyster boats to come in for raw oysters on the half shell.  They were huge and about 10 minutes old.

There was a local play at the Dixie Theatre, Almost Maine. On the way to the theatre, I stopped at the Owl Tap room for happy hour and dinner.  A very nice fellow sat down next to me and started chatting about all things sustainable.  He was from New Hampshire, a roofer and very articulate…good to talk to.  I was about to head to the play and he looks at me and says, “well, I make ends meet by being a hit man, you look like an angel and no one would suspect you, if you are interested.”  I agreed with him that no one would suspect me of being a hitperson and laughed.  He never laughed and never said he was joking.  So, I gathered my stuff, backed away and quickly walked to the Dixie Theatre.

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These past three days have been really wonderful…settling in and having vast amounts of time to contemplate.  I have crayons and markers and colored paper all over the room with thoughts and goals and ideas.   I find myself doing the same thing as at home…a very huge list of things to do and feeling stressed about accomplishing everything in a day.  (what the hell?  I’m on sabbatical and I’ve filled up my days!)  I crash into bed at night exhausted.  I woke up ready to make smoothies for my boys and realized I was not at home today.  Homesick for Lyle and Z & A.

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I’m thinking back to this winter when Lyle and I were studying poetry.  Or he was teaching me about poetry.  I’ve been intimidated by writing and poetry and he said “Anything goes, there are no rules”.  That was extremely liberating.  I’d never tried writing a poem because I thought it had to be a certain way.  There are tons of ways of writing poems and tons of styles, but in the end, it’s about what you, the writer likes.  I suppose if you are trying to get published and impress a lot of people, you should care, but if it’s for you and I think that is what poetry is…a way to express some pent up feelings.

And I think about this sabbatical.  Thoughts come through my head that I’m not doing this right.  Yesterday, it came to me that there is no right or wrong, there are no rules.  We have too many rules in our culture. They suppress us from taking action.  In some ways, we created Abundance Foundation for that reason.  We were tired of the bureaucracy and lack of efficiencies, common sense and wanted progress to move forward.  The women at Abundance will tell you about my rantings about bureaucracy.  We have always taken the “ask for forgiveness” approach.  That has worked, because in the end, it’s about the result, not the way you get there.

Thought for the day; There are no Rules.  Do what’s right for you.  That’s all that matters.  Don’t worry what other people think.  If you believe in it, they will also believe in it.  Stop making excuses and go grab that dream!  In fact, tell me or someone what that dream is!

Tomorrow we ride.  (Me, Baby Blue, and Bruce Springsteen)  To see Paul Beezley and his family in Jacksonville, Alabama.

Old Friends & Breakdown

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“It’s all right if you love me.  It’s all right if you don’t.”  I’ve been listening to a lot of Tom Petty this week….however, I was not expecting Baby Blue to breakdown on the way to Quinn’s last soccer game of the season.  I pulled into Tallahassee FL to see my adorable friend Daphne who I have known since junior high school.  She has twin boys and a girl, Quinn.

Being with old friends is like an archaeological dig of your soul.

Daphne and I were high school friends and went off to ASU in Boone together.  We were naïve.  She left to go to NCSU, I left and went to UNC Chapel Hill.  I couldn’t handle the loading at UNC…deciding to take latin, calculus, and every freaking hard class they had to offer in one semester…so I just stopped going.  Daphne and Muzzy and I rented a Jartran truck and packed our possessions and drove to Boston.  We picked up Muzzy’s boyfriend along the way and ended up staying at his frat house until we could find an apartment.  We didn’t know you had to have a job to sign a lease, so we had to quickly find a job.  The only thing we could find were busgirls at a high end touristy restaurant at Faneuil Hall.  We felt a glimmer of what it must be like to be stereotyped and discriminated against ….two young girls with southern accents.  Let’s just say, we hung out with the dishwashers, not the waiters and bartenders.  Management hardly spoke to us and it was humbling.  Made us pretty sure that we needed to return and get our degrees from college.

So many experiences with Daphne…somehow the two of us together = much more trouble than just 1 + 1.  (This would be off-blog discussion)

Breaking down in Tallahassee allowed me to do several things:

1.  Give up control
2.  Slow down
3.  Learn basketball technique from Simon and Ollie, twin 10 year olds
4.  Go to a kundalini yoga class and focus on the crown chakra…Cathy Holt and the Divas would be proud!
5.  Work on being in the present, not the past or the future
6.  Have some great talks catching up with Daphne and her husband.
7.  Meet the great neighbors from Canada and help in the co-parenting.
8.  Rest and even breathe a little
9.  See the co-op in Tallahassee
10.  Trust in the Universe

Evidently the bolts sheared off that held the axle to the body of Baby Blue, thanks to a very nice tow truck operator and two very sweet mechanics, and a call to Sean @ Transporter Werks, we are back on the road.

Next stop is St. George Island, Florida on the Gulf of Mexico.
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Day One and The Two Great Horned Baby Owls

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Sabbatical officially started today as I left Virginia Keys Grassroots Festival and left Lyle with a pillow, his bag and a towel in the parking lot.  There was miscommunication and he is stuck without lodging for a night.  I hope the mosquitoes don’t bite too hard on the beach tonight.

Nicola Ross asked me to make note of how I felt at the beginning, middle and end of sabbatical.  She is writing a book about sabbaticals and has great insight.  I have been planning this journey for almost 6 months.  I look back at journals and I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of years evidently.  But yesterday I almost bailed.  I had not actually thought about what it would be like to abandon my children for 45 days or to leave Lyle standing with his bags at Grassroots.  Yesterday I felt like I was going to throw up and I started thinking that maybe this was batshit crazy (as Lyle would say).   Damn, maybe I’m just too extreme…I could have just gone and gotten my toes done and spent a couple of days camping at Lake Jordan.   Also, driving Baby Blue, is an event.  She only goes between 55 and 65.  Staying in the slow lane is a must as she blows around quite a bit.  She is 32 years old and she has some issues, like the heat from the engine kind of comes into the floor boards and makes your feet really really hot.  Because Florida is also quite hot, both windows must come down and I’ve developed dreadlocks.  It’s fine because it goes with the look of the westfalia, but I may need to shave my head when I get home.  And I have a square head.  Just a few challenges I was thinking about.

Lyle and I walked to the Rusty Pelican on Key Biscayne last night.  We were dirty, in running shoes, sunburnt and we ended up with the most beautiful view of Miami at sunset ever.  No one seemed to mind how bad we smelled at this fancy restaurant.  We watched the sun go down and the lights go on in the tall buildings and Lyle who professes to hate being alone said he would shove me off to get me to leave Grassroots.
I appreciate his shoving.  Carol and I sat in her tent in the dark Friday night and she gave me a pep talk…it helped a lot.  She said there are no expectations, if all you do is rest, that is enough.  She always mentions the jewish term Dayenu meaning it would have been enough.   Be grateful.

So, off I drove this morning. I kissed my Dad goodbye (camp ranger at Grassroots) and Lyle.  Big lump in throat.  I cranked the ABBA in honour of Melissa and Meredith (who went to school in Miami) and drove Baby Blue over those bridges and complicated highways and went west through Alligator Alley.  This highway goes right through the Everglades and it was just what I needed, not much traffic, gorgeous birds and I actually saw one alligator.  There is a thin body of water the whole way and you could see the spiny back of the alligator. Tons and tons of birds and I didn’t have my expert birder with me.  So, I’m just going to make up the names.  I think I saw blue herons, green herons, black herons, black and white herons, snowy egrets, crazy looking birds that looked like something out of Alice and Wonderland.  Gorgeous.

I stopped in Naples, thinking it was a cute little town.  I was confused with Italy.  Very very old people and very very manicured.  Had a lovely brunch though and kept going north to St. Petersburg.  Charlotte, who I work with insisted I stop at Fort De Soto, a place she and her husband had extremely fond memories.  You have to book months ahead to get a camping spot it is such a popular spot.  Her husband, Skip, passed away over a year ago and from what I’ve learned about him, I’m sorry I didn’t meet him.  Two baby owls were just born and my mission was to get a photo of these creatures.  So, I drove as fast as I could considering Baby Blue’s limitations and raced against sunset.  Pulled into the most beautiful place, pulled my bike off and biked 3 miles to where Charlotte said they would be.  Dense fog was setting in, but I made it to the tree and got the shot of the baby owls.  So, today is dedicated to Charlotte and Skip.

Uncle Bob died yesterday, Godspeed.

I think I can do this.
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Saying Goodbye and The Vicks Vapor Rub

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A flashback occurred today as I went to say my goodbyes to Uncle Bob.  He will not be here when I get back. Bob suffered from a massive brain event, and when he came out of surgery he told me all about his wonderful sex life with Aunt Joyce.  Apparently the tumor took out some inhibitions.

Watching my Aunt Joyce taking care of him at the nursing home made me remember the time over 20 years ago when I went to have dinner with Granny, Mom and Aunt Joyce on a hot summer night at her house on Glenwood Ave. with the big wrap around porch.  I suddenly broke out into hives.  I guess they were pretty bad hives because Granny made me lie down in her bed and she started rubbing Vicks Vapor Rub all over my chest.

Aunt Joyce looked at me and said “are you pregnant?!”  (I kind of don’t think hives are a symptom of pregnancy, and I also don’t think that Vicks Vapor Rub is a remedy for hives…but what do I know?) These three southern women were running around the house trying to figure this out.  Finally my mother said, “get in the car, we are going to the emergency room.”   They are all take charge kind of women.

We got into the emergency room and the doctors came in and I casually mentioned that I had just gotten back from the Amazon.  They literally started backing out of the room and just left me alone thinking I was going to die at any minute.  Lyle and I had been working in Rio de Janeiro and made a special trip to the Amazon where we chartered a semi-private boat to check out the Amazon and Rio Negro.  We had prepared for the worst on this trip….all the travel guides tell you about how you will most likely get malaria and dengue fever with one mosquito bite.  We knew how bad DEET was, but evidently it was better than one of these diseases.  We had this wild rogue gringo tour guide that didn’t seem to think mosquito netting was important and threw caution to the wind.  We were a little nervous after he told us about all his near misses and accidents.

The first night we slept on the top of the pretty small boat in these horrific hammocks that looked like they were made of fishing line and you kind of slept in upside down fetal position.  At the same time you were hearing mosquitos buzzing in your ear the whole time and our mosquito netting was really old and holey.

The next day we grabbed the DEET and sprayed all it over our bodies.  Then we read the directions that said DO NOT MAKE CONTACT WITH SKIN.  Evidently you are supposed to only spray on your clothing….what the hell?  Who reads directions?  We were in a panic because you also couldn’t jump into the Amazon because there was threat that a little candiru (parasitic catfish that has razor sharp spines on it’s head) would swim up the urethra (more painful for men) and attach itself and drink your blood.  And only surgery would get them out.  Damn!

We stayed out of the water and just lived with all the DEET all over our bodies.  So, possibly there was a correlation to my emergency room visit.

These were the thoughts running through my head as I left Bob’s bedside.  I was too choked up to tell Bob safe journey and that I wish I had not let politics keep us from a real relationship.  I wanted to say I saw his brilliance while he was in the hospital.  I now know why Joyce was so enchanted with him.  I wanted to tell him that it makes me happy to know how good their sex life was…not that I had ever thought about that before.  And I wanted to tell Joyce it would be OK and that family and friends would take care of her when Bob has passed.

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